Feelings... **EDITED**

As some of you know, my husband is away for 5 months. I've been struggling to stay strong and keep a positive outlook. It's been really hard for me lately. I don't know why, but the past 24 hours have been difficult. Last night I cried just from looking at him on video chat. While I know crying doesn't help, I can't help the fact that I miss him.

I will admit that it isn't as hard as last time. The first time he left was last February for a deployment to the desert. Ariana was barely 3 months old and it was my husband's first deployment. After 4 1/2 years of marriage, we have a baby, and BAM, he gets deployed! I was a wreck. I was paranoid over everything and anything. I still was very new at being a Mommy and NEVER let her out of my sight for a second. It really took a lot out of me. This time isn't as bad.

It's weird how people say "Well, at least he's not deployed". Yes, that's true, he's not deployed. That does make my worrying go down a lot less, but he's still away, and that's still hard on a family. All military wives know what I mean (and some none military wives). It's still a sacrifice. One that we might not like, but that we choose to make. All we ever want, is support and acknowledgment that we are doing good. It's hard being a Mommy with no support. ESPECIALLY, when you live so far away from family, like I do.

I thought before that I wasn't going to be able to go home to Georgia any this summer with Richard gone, but thankfully for my Momma, she's worked it out with me and I'm going home for a week and a half soon! I'm excited to have something to look forward to, and seeing family and friends in Georgia/South Carolina. I need a vacation! I haven't been home in over a year!

I've been trying hard to keep up with my blogging, but as you can see it just hasn't happened. Blogging is weird for me. Sometimes I love it and love sharing what I do and feel, and other days I want to shut everyone out. I think I've been going through that lately, and I apologize. A few people who I thought would be there for me, haven't been... But then again, part of me expected it, because that's just the kind of people they are and I let them get to me. I'm sick of letting them get to me. I don't need that negativity in my life. As much as I find it hard to let go of situations or people and move on, I think it's time. I think it's been time.

I quote my Rabbi when I say this "I can't handle that crazy". I think I've come to a point where I'm sick of trying to be nice to people who make it clear (little things they say/do/or don't do) how they feel.

Some of my friends have been great, but I've pushed them away. Others, I seem to gravitate towards. It's a strange thing. I hope you all know that I love all of you and don't mean anything by my thoughtless actions if I've offended anybody.

Don't get me wrong, I haven't been like a hermit shut up in my house. Actually, I've been trying to stay busy. I took some belly dancing classes, yoga classes, have been walking more, doing my photography thing, I started painting, I've been sewing like a mad woman, going to the library, and shopping with friends.

I guess for some reason I haven't blogged because I don't want to be putting myself out there for people to judge me, while I feel extra sensitive. I'd rather keep to myself and keep it all inside, than open up and risk having my feelings hurt....if that makes sense. I blog for fun, not because I HAVE to. I blog when I have something to say or share. Lately my fingers feel mute. I think they are finding their voice again. :)

xoxo,
Cat

P.S. Sorry if this blog is all over the place. I just felt the need to write it. Please no negative comments, thanks!

***EDITED***

First, I have to say, this was a tough blog for me to write. I felt like I was really putting myself out there at a sensitive time. If you read my blog, you see that I don't post many very personal posts. You probably also noticed that I haven't been blogging as much since my husband left. Yesterday after I posted this blog, I saw that another blogger (also a military wife) posted a blog similar to this one earlier that day. Her husband is getting ready to deploy soon. I don't deny that our blogs deal with similar issues, since we are in fact dealing with the similar things. Apparently, the fact that I posted my blog, and shared my feelings, has seemed to upset her. This wasn't intentional to "copy" her, and I didn't even see the other blog until I posted mine. This blog is just how I feel, and I'm not going to feel sorry for blogging how I feel. Yes my husband is away, and I miss him. If your husband was away, you would miss him too. I've tried to contact this person several times to talk about this, only to be ignored. I'm not trying to start drama. I just appreciate people who are honest with me. So, if you are one of the people that is a follower and has negative things to say about my blog behind my back, then please remove yourself from my followers list. Thank you, and thank you to all my supporters.