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Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Feelings... **EDITED**

As some of you know, my husband is away for 5 months. I've been struggling to stay strong and keep a positive outlook. It's been really hard for me lately. I don't know why, but the past 24 hours have been difficult. Last night I cried just from looking at him on video chat. While I know crying doesn't help, I can't help the fact that I miss him.

I will admit that it isn't as hard as last time. The first time he left was last February for a deployment to the desert. Ariana was barely 3 months old and it was my husband's first deployment. After 4 1/2 years of marriage, we have a baby, and BAM, he gets deployed! I was a wreck. I was paranoid over everything and anything. I still was very new at being a Mommy and NEVER let her out of my sight for a second. It really took a lot out of me. This time isn't as bad.

It's weird how people say "Well, at least he's not deployed". Yes, that's true, he's not deployed. That does make my worrying go down a lot less, but he's still away, and that's still hard on a family. All military wives know what I mean (and some none military wives). It's still a sacrifice. One that we might not like, but that we choose to make. All we ever want, is support and acknowledgment that we are doing good. It's hard being a Mommy with no support. ESPECIALLY, when you live so far away from family, like I do.

I thought before that I wasn't going to be able to go home to Georgia any this summer with Richard gone, but thankfully for my Momma, she's worked it out with me and I'm going home for a week and a half soon! I'm excited to have something to look forward to, and seeing family and friends in Georgia/South Carolina. I need a vacation! I haven't been home in over a year!

I've been trying hard to keep up with my blogging, but as you can see it just hasn't happened. Blogging is weird for me. Sometimes I love it and love sharing what I do and feel, and other days I want to shut everyone out. I think I've been going through that lately, and I apologize. A few people who I thought would be there for me, haven't been... But then again, part of me expected it, because that's just the kind of people they are and I let them get to me. I'm sick of letting them get to me. I don't need that negativity in my life. As much as I find it hard to let go of situations or people and move on, I think it's time. I think it's been time.

I quote my Rabbi when I say this "I can't handle that crazy". I think I've come to a point where I'm sick of trying to be nice to people who make it clear (little things they say/do/or don't do) how they feel.

Some of my friends have been great, but I've pushed them away. Others, I seem to gravitate towards. It's a strange thing. I hope you all know that I love all of you and don't mean anything by my thoughtless actions if I've offended anybody.

Don't get me wrong, I haven't been like a hermit shut up in my house. Actually, I've been trying to stay busy. I took some belly dancing classes, yoga classes, have been walking more, doing my photography thing, I started painting, I've been sewing like a mad woman, going to the library, and shopping with friends.

I guess for some reason I haven't blogged because I don't want to be putting myself out there for people to judge me, while I feel extra sensitive. I'd rather keep to myself and keep it all inside, than open up and risk having my feelings hurt....if that makes sense. I blog for fun, not because I HAVE to. I blog when I have something to say or share. Lately my fingers feel mute. I think they are finding their voice again. :)


P.S. Sorry if this blog is all over the place. I just felt the need to write it. Please no negative comments, thanks!

First, I have to say, this was a tough blog for me to write. I felt like I was really putting myself out there at a sensitive time. If you read my blog, you see that I don't post many very personal posts. You probably also noticed that I haven't been blogging as much since my husband left. Yesterday after I posted this blog, I saw that another blogger (also a military wife) posted a blog similar to this one earlier that day. Her husband is getting ready to deploy soon. I don't deny that our blogs deal with similar issues, since we are in fact dealing with the similar things. Apparently, the fact that I posted my blog, and shared my feelings, has seemed to upset her. This wasn't intentional to "copy" her, and I didn't even see the other blog until I posted mine. This blog is just how I feel, and I'm not going to feel sorry for blogging how I feel. Yes my husband is away, and I miss him. If your husband was away, you would miss him too. I've tried to contact this person several times to talk about this, only to be ignored. I'm not trying to start drama. I just appreciate people who are honest with me. So, if you are one of the people that is a follower and has negative things to say about my blog behind my back, then please remove yourself from my followers list. Thank you, and thank you to all my supporters.

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  1. i love reading your blogs. i go through those same phases. i've been bummed out and feeling lonely because i went through a recent breakup. so i know how you feel (kinda).

    on another note, I love what you said at the end "lately my fingers feel mute. I think they are finding their voice again." very inspiring:)

  2. Awh, I am sorry you're going through a rough time. Keep your head up. Take a bubble bath. Go to the park. Hug & kiss your little one. :)

  3. I dont know how you are feeling with Richard gone, but I am alway here for you to lean on. I love talking to you everyday and finding out all the fun stuff you and A get into. I am so excited for you both to come home and see us :) We are going to have a great time. I hope Momma and I can provide a relaxing stress free vacation. Starting with our finger nails :). Richard loves you and Ariana with everything he has and I know he cant wait to get home to y'all. In the mean time, I hope I can serve as a distraction for you :p Cant wait to see you in a week and a half!!

  4. Love this. So heartfelt.


  5. I just blogged about this very thing, although I disabled comments because I know the haters will come out and rip me.

    I'm here if you need to chat. We can even Skype if you want to see another human being.

  6. Sometimes i feel like avoiding the blog at all costs because I don't have anything happy to say like all the other cute blogs I see. But sometimes you have to let people know you're a real person with real problems. I hope you start feeling happy :-). i love reading your blog btw

  7. i understand not wanting to blog. i understand not wanting to be judged. it all makes sense. i dont always want to put out my feelings for all to read either. its perfectly normal. i am forever not blogging because i dont feel i have the right words to say.

    thanks for being real. sometimes its nice to read between the 'loves' and 'friday ____' posts ect. real people with real feelings with real problems.

  8. Awww, just reading this post makes me want to cry for you. I don't know how I would handle my husband being away for 5 months.

    **side note, I clicked on your blog from Ticky Tacky because it said no wooden spoons and I cannot stand wooden spoons. Is that why you named your blog that?? Totally random I know.

  9. awww, it sucks that you have to go through all of this. *sending a hug from france*
    you're a strong woman, you'll make it through. and yeah, why hang around with toxic people, life is too short.
    let me know if i can do anything for you - i know we mentioned the photo thing once before.
    and yes, also great to read a real post, never apologize for that.

  10. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It always feel better doesn't it? To just get things out into the open? You seem like a strong mommy and you should never feel like you have to sensor yourself for the people who might have negative feedback. I enjoy what you have to speak on!!

  11. Oh Cat, I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I am so impressed and respectful of the fact that you and your family knowingly take this all on and you seem to do it with courage and grace. I can't imagine how hard it must be to have no physical support for months at a time while raising a little one.
    Please know that I am here in any way you may need support. I know that we don't know each other well, but if you need an ear please let me know :) Good luck

  12. I haven't been on the internet much lately... I am just now reading this. Oh hun. I am so so sorry. Believe me when I say I know where you are. My daddy was Air Force, and I was without my hubs for nearly 4 months while he did Army Basic Training. It just sucks. And it's tough. And it's difficult to just not wallow and feel sorry for yourself. I had moments. You are going to be just fine though. You will make it through this time.

    Keep blogging though. It was therapy for me. It gave me something to look forward to. Creating a blogging was very nice. I HAD to come up with blog topics... that helped. I had a couple of really amazing friends who helped me get through it too... so definitly keep your friends close!

    Keep your head up! If you need to chat and you see me on Facebook... please don't hesitate. :)

  13. Awe Cat! I am sooo sorry that you have to go through this. I have no idea how you feel but I can only imagin how hard it is for you and your little girl!! Keep your head up and know that there are others that are here for you!
    Now about your edited part...I am sorry also for that. Drama is annoying and that is the last thing you need right now. I pray that things get better. Hopefully it was just one big misunderstanding!!!
    Have a great week/weekend. I'll be thinking of you!!!

  14. Friend, my heart is breaking for you. I'm a mama to a 5 month old girl. In the very beginning I would just cry thinking about situations like this. I live about an hour and a half from my family and that has been difficult for me - I can't fathom having them further away than that. Just know that you are incredibly strong for being able to survive each day.