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Friday, August 16, 2013

Ready or Not

The past few weeks people have been eyeballing my big pregnant belly and announcing triumphantly that "it's a girl". Not one person, not two, but several. And some of them have even taken to rubbing my belly without asking. When I say people, I mean cashiers at checkout, teachers at summer camp. Complete strangers.

Little Mister is due to make is arrival in a little over 3 weeks. September 8th is creeping up on us. Are we ready?

His little clothes are washed and put away. We've got a bassinet set up in our room. The swing and bouncer from Ariana are cleaned and waiting. We've got diapers and wipes. If he came now, we'd be ready, but if he waited a little longer we'd be more organized and my house would be cleaner. But who needs organization right?

I've only got 1 thing in my hospital bag. It's crazy how quickly you forget what you need to take with you. And I still have to pack his items and Ariana's bag for her sleepover with her friend when the time comes.

I don't feel ready. I still want a few more weeks. But if he came now I know we could do it. 

My hips are starting to ache. I have no room to breathe. I feel like I can't stretch any further. Sleep has been difficult and painful. I move so slow.  And every now and then I'll get a really bad Braxton Hicks contraction that takes my breath away and I think "Let's do this, I'm over being pregnant, I'm ready"

I find myself staring at his ultrasound photo, trying to picture what he's really going to look like. And I can't wait to hold him on my chest and cuddle him close. Watch his little hands open and close and stare into his eyes and meet him for the first time. Nurse him, and wrap him up in those soft blankets and smell his little head and pat his little butt.

Then I get a little overwhelmed with how perfect I want things to be. How I'd love to vacuum out the car and how I'm struggling with enough energy to keep the house moderately clean when my brain is telling me I need to scrub the windows. And I feel his little kicks and hiccups and I want him to stay in there a little bit longer and I think "Nope, I'm not ready, I need a few more weeks, stay put little guy" I want a little bit more time to focus solely on Ariana. To be able to make it through open house and the first day of school and not be in the hospital or with a baby who is days old. Because I know those first few days/weeks are hard. Emotionally, physically, hormonally stressful and it takes some time to get into the swing of things and how our family dynamics are going to change.

But whether he comes tomorrow, on his due date (like his sister) or 3 days late (I really hope not) it will all work out.

However it happens, whenever it happens. It will be right. We are ready. 

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