Re-adjusting to life after a deployment

It's hard to believe that Rich has already been home 1 month and 1 day. This past month has flown by. Nothing like how some weeks could drag on for what felt like a month when he was deployed. But we're here and we're adjusting to life with each other again. Life is good.

They (military booklets) warned about "romanticizing homecoming" and how and it's easy to build it up in your head how perfect it's going to be, but be prepared for things to be hard. I struggled with keeping the balance in my head. I wondered a lot how Ariana would react. Would she only want me since she's only had me for the past 6 months. Would she only want him, since she hadn't had him for 6 months? Plus, how would we reconnect as a couple? We were used to a lot of alone time. Six months is a long time.

I was worried with little things like how the towels needed to be fresh out of the dryer and what to make for dinner that first night. Just so you know, the towels had been used once and for dinner I made spaghetti with meatballs and salad. He didn't care that there were some dirty clothes in the hamper, or that I chose a simple meal that is one of our family favorites. Paired with a bottle of red wine and some much needed family talk and it was perfect in our own way. And that's how it's suppose to be. It may not be perfect like you imagine it, but it will be perfect for your family. Because life is imperfectly perfect.

For the most part our adjustment has gone smoothly. After the first few days of waking up to each other and Ariana realizing that Daddy is actually home for good and not a dream, things settled down. We took her to preschool, made meal plans together, he went to briefings, life got back to "normal".

Then we went on our vacation to Edelweiss. It was so nice. To have time together. To not worry about what to make for dinner (we could just go down to the buffet), to swim all afternoon if we wanted, and to go on adventures and walks and just focus on each other and having a good time. It was just what we needed to reconnect on a basic level without the distractions of normal life getting in the way.

And in regards to Ariana, she didn't want to let Daddy out of her sight those first few weeks. She was thrilled to have him back to play ponies and babies with her, sit by her at dinner, show off all the things she's learned while he was gone, and read stories with him at night. She's still worried that he's going to leave again, and she's not happy with it, but we're working on it. Such is the life of a military family. We can't promise her he's never going to leave again.

I think part of me romanticized his homecoming, I mean how could I not when that's all you've thought about for 180+ days. Another part of me feels like we were living in a honeymoon phase. It was easy not to get annoyed at each other because it all felt so new again. He didn't mind that I squeezed the toothpaste in the middle, because he missed sharing our bathroom with me. The fact that he leaves his clutter all over the kitchen table when he comes home is nice because part of me is happy to see his clutter again.Those little things that sometimes annoy each other, were now creating smiles. I can happily say it's been an easy adjustment, mostly.

But really, it's taken almost whole month to adjust completely. Our routine had changed a lot while he was gone and we had to figure out to adjust it to fit a family of 3 again. It's much nicer this way though. We usually read in bed before sleep and just looking over and seeing him there makes me smile. It's easy to take advantage of the little things and deployments remind us just how special those little moments are and to enjoy them. 

I hope I can hold onto the magic of these little moments.

And for those of you who are lucky enough to not having to adjust after deployments, I hope you can find the magic in those little moments too.

Recounting

I've been seeing lots of "currently" posts, which I plan to do one later, but for now I'm looking back on the past 6 months and all that I've been and done. Making this list makes me feel accomplished.

While Rich was deployed I:

Shared 3 boxes of Girl Scout cookies with Ariana

Bought a Ukelele

Sought out news about military in Afghanistan

Avoided news about military in Afghanistan

Celebrated Ariana's 3rd Birthday

Celebrated Halloween

Cooked my own turkey for Thanksgiving

Played Santa

Rang in 2012, on my couch

Celebrated Valentine's with a burger and a shake

Read 9 books

Paid off 2 small credit cards

Went to Paris with my Aunt

Aged 186 days

Did 60+ loads of laundry

Had 5 different house guests

Created a new savings plan

Had trouble sleeping

Slept like a baby

Was thankful for 70 little things

Painted 4 paintings

Called 10 German preschools

Offered support to friends

Took myself on a date at the bookstore

Achieved personal goals

Made mistakes

Danced around my house

Cried over Germany

Laughed over Germany

Laughed so hard I cried

Cried so hard I hyperventilated

Played in the snow

Cried when I found this article

Broke my macro lens

Sat while my car was fixed for 5 hours

Handled a German satellite company, oil company, and repair man.

Discovered new yummy recipes

Rediscovered my love for certain foods

Made crafts with Ariana

Watered our baby snails everyday

Disposed of 2 dead mice

Worried at night

Daydreamed about future vacations during the day

Fell in love with bacon

Sent sympathy cards

Sent thinking of you cards

Sent birthday cards

Sent thank you cards

Woke up from nightmares I couldn't remember

Made new friends

Ran into old friends

Watched girly movies as much as I wanted

Drove to the Frankfurt airport 6 times.

Drove to Heidelberg at least 5 times

Had a love affair with Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 1, and the soundtrack

Bought new nail polish

Wrote love letters

Wrote music

Fell in love with Gluhwein and Christmas Markets

Had a mini breakdown

Ran late

Arrived early

Blogged a lot

Abandoned my blog

Ate lots of chocolate

Drank lots of wine

Cried to friends

Said I could handle it

Took thousands of photos

Enrolled Ariana in preschool

Lost 10 pounds

Took lots of videos of Ariana

Bought 3 new house plants

Spent hours talking to friends on the phone

Learned a lot about myself and others

While Rich was gone I grew as a person, parent, and military wife. I learned I'm stronger than some people give me credit for and weaker than I like to admit at times. I discovered that time moves slow and fast at the same time but it's always moving forward.

While Rich was deployed, I did a lot.

Deployment: Month 6 and Our Deployment Board

Well, this is it folks, March is homecoming month! 

We're almost done. We're on our 6th month.

I can almost feel his arms wrapped around me in a great big squeeze!  

It's been a long LONG road but we've almost come to the end. So close. We can do this!!

I kept forgetting to share with you our deployment board that Ariana and I made. Well 3 year olds (remember she turned three while he was away) don't really get the concept of time and while she understands days she doesn't really get weeks or months. So, I tried to come up with something that could show her how far we were into our deployment. 

I came up with the idea of doing a deployment board that would be like a board game and would mark off the holidays as we passed each one. I printed off coloring pages for each holiday and let her color them and we talked about them. Then, we glued them on our board and of course had little countdowns and things we did when we got close to each holiday. That way, she could see how far we've come, and how far we have left to go (so to speak).  It was the only way I could think to do it. For us this has worked really well.

I only showed part of the board because I don't want to reveal when he's coming home but I think you get the idea. Originally, I had wanted to make an Ariana cutout to move along the board but it didn't happen at first and when we got about half way through I gave up on the idea. 

But, I thought I would share in our excitement that March is finally here!!!

So, send some good vibes, say a little prayer, wish upon a star...whatever it is you do that everything goes smoothly (and safely) this last leg of this deployment. 

Let's Be Honest

via

:: deep breath ::

You may have noticed I haven't really been around my blog much lately.

A lot of things play into this: I had my family here visiting so I was busy with them, Ariana has kept me busy with preschool and gymnastics, and I've started going to the gym with my friend.

And I had a panic attack.

:: deep breath ::

Yep, a panic attack. At least I think it was a panic attack, shaking, couldn't breathe, those kinds of things. I've never had one before so it totally freaked me out. Luckily, I had a dear friend who talked me through it and made sure I was okay. This happened on Black Friday and I don't think I've been the same since. I'm a little more timid in certain situations.

I debated whether or not to share this information, but after reading a friends post who had been going through some of the same things I was, I thought it was time to open up. I could use a little support right now and hopefully can offer support to some of you as well.

So here I go with my honesty.

With my husband deployed it's been hard on me. He's been gone over 4 months and still has 2 more to go. I've come a long way but still some days are harder than others. Having to be a "single mom", living in a foreign country with only a handful of friends, having to explain to my 3 year old why her Daddy is away for so long, tantrums, German preschool rules, landlord issues, language barrier, car issues, my best friend being hospitalized, the death of a pet, being away from family, the depressing German weather. It's all added up over time.

I've also had some personal issues I've been dealing with. It's been an especially rough time lately. But, I've tried to keep it together and trudge on. It's hard to learn to deal with issues you have no control over. But I'm learning to let them go and find my inner peace.

Today, I feel stronger. 

Today, I'm feeling less worn down and more empowered. 

Today, I'm feeling the love.

It may not last long, but I'm holding onto that feeling while I can. 

:: deep breath ::

Deployment: one month down...

One month down, too many more to go.

Things I've learned so far during this deployment:

- I stay awake as long as possible because hate sleeping alone in a cold bed.

- Taking out the trash is my least favorite chore of his (thanks for always doing it babe.)

- My heart skips a beat when I hear someone sign in on Skype. It's almost never him.

- I've had to dispose of 2 dead mice that died by the steps that lead down into our basement. It's gross.

- Friends help the days go by faster, but the aloneness still lingers.
- I like listening to the book he recorded for Ariana as much as she does.
- Being sick makes you miss them more. 

- A "long" Skype date can keep you on cloud 9 for the rest of the day.

- Spending anniversaries apart is depressing when all you want to do is kiss them. (Ours was yesterday)

- Helping children through deployment can be very challenging at times.
- Cooking for one and a half isn't as much fun.
- I miss his touch, especially his kisses.
- Playing football on the TV makes me feel close to him.

- People will ALWAYS tell you they know how you feel. (Unless they've had someone close who has been deployed, they do not.)

He's leaving...

He's leaving. Those words keep echoing in my head and heart.

Another deployment is looming just around the corner. 

He's leaving. These words scream out loudly in my head, drowning out every other thought. They steal my breath away. They cause me to cling closely to any precious moment we have together. I can't let any of them pass me by, because - he's leaving.

I want to ignore it. To pretend he's not leaving again so soon. But then suddenly those words are screaming in my head and my wall of bliss that we military wives surround ourselves with, is about to come tumbling down. The in between – in between deployments that is – is when we really live our lives. During this time we don't think about past deployments, or future deployments, we live only in our happy, whole, present lovely life. My in between is almost over.

Suddenly,  I'm overwhelmed with the need to cram as much in as I can before he disappears to the other side of the world. Days of Summer, Fall, Winter, and even some Spring alone. Without him.

I can't help repeating myself – "I don't want you to go". It's what my heart is screaming at me. I know there is no stopping it, but I can't stop my lips from saying those words either. It's inevitable.

I want it to hurry up and be over. I want it to never come at all. I want time to hold still. I want my evenings with him to last longer. I want to stay busy, but at the same time don't want him to miss anything. Not one single moment of fun. Not one single bedtime hug.

It's a constant battle in my head that I'm trying desperately to ignore for a little bit longer.

He's leaving. Those words keep echoing in my head and heart.