Reflections on this Pregnancy

I haven't shared a lot about this pregnancy on my blog. 

I haven't posted ultrasound pictures, dear baby letters, maternity wardrobe photos, or even shared bits and pieces of his nursery yet.

In a way, this surprises me. 

While we are beyond excited and giddy with his impeding arrival, there has been some worrying too. Some fears. Some concerns. I've kept it all close to my heart.

I find it curious that people have asked me if this baby was planned...like I'm over 40 or working on my 11th child. I answer a simple yes with a smile, but in my heart I want to say you will never know how long this baby has been planned for, waited on, and dreamed of. You will never truly know the struggle and heartache we have been through to get to this point. So yes, this baby was most definitely planned. 

2012 wasn't an easy year.

Autumn wasn't the best season.

2013 started out rocky.

June was a bit of a struggle.

July is teetering back and forth.

And with it all I guess I've taken a step back and needed time to process it all instead of immediately sharing it all here. Some of it I didn't (and still don't) know if I was ready to put into words. I'm not sure if I'm waiting until the delivery and then will breath a sigh of relief and share our story or if I'll just be glad to be through it and make it part of the past.

Sometimes people who you are close to shock you by their words and actions. And you think to yourself if that person, that I was so close to responded that way, how would people who don't really know me react? Would they be supportive? Or would they be negative? What comments would they have? Could I handle it?

So for now, I've decided to keep it private.

We are so blessed and can't wait to hold our little love. We love you baby boy!

*I am currently 32 weeks pregnant. This photograph was taken last week in Sardinia at sunset by my wonderful husband. I was 31 weeks pregnant.

2013

As the end of 2012 approached last night I was feeling a little down. I was sitting at home alone. My husband was at work all night until 7 am. Our daughter was sleeping. It was just me and my glass of Moscato ringing in the new year. But then it struck midnight and that magical thing happened in Germany. The thing that I always downplay in my head and "almost" forget about. The fireworks start going off. Everyone in our little German village is shooting off their own fireworks and they light up the night sky. The church bells start chiming too. "Ringing" in the new year with gusto! For a solid 20 minutes at least this goes on. Fireworks bursting and church bells ringing. It's hard not to smile. As I lean outside the window looking into our backyard and take in this magical moment, I realize this year brings new joy and new promises. Why not celebrate that. 

Thank you Germany for that magical moment. And thank you Moscato for my midnight kiss!

So, goodbye 2012. Happy New 2013 friends! With love and gusto from Germany!

Home

Military life isn't always easy. There may be lots of travel and adventure and new friends along the way. But, there is also extreme bravery and sacrifices. There are lots of new bases, new people, new towns to learn your way around. New cultures, new challenges, and new houses to fit into.

While most of the time I really enjoy, in fact love (more than my husband) our life in the Air Force, there were times, like this summer, where I took a step back and realized I'm missing other things as well. Family.

Not the family you make in your home with your spouse and children, or the friends you make along the way that become like family, but the good old fashioned people who where there as you grew up. The ones who watched you blossom over the years. Who helped you up when you stumbled, and cheered you on when you were on top of the world. The family that's always waiting "back home". Wherever "back home" may be. The family that's always got a piece of your heart no matter where the military takes you.

We spent most of our time in Florida this summer, but that's not really home. Georgia is home. It's where we grew up. 

We only had a short visit to Georgia this time. My mom and sister in Florida, and my friend in South Carolina took precedent. But, we did get to stop for a day and a half in Georgia. We planned a dinner out and all those happy faces where there. All that family. All that love. 

As I looked around the table that night I felt overwhelming love and support. I needed that. I didn't even know I needed that until that night. I felt like I was soaking up the love from all around to carry me through this next year in Germany.

"My home is not a place, it is people."

Lois McMaster Bujold, "Barrayar", 1991

So, while I cherish our time in the military and all the places we go, sometimes, there's nothing like "home".

Yellow Field of Dreams

Recently I posted about my photography fears.  If you are a photographer, you should take a second and go read it, you probably have similar fears.

I talked specifically about a yellow field of flowers by my house.  It took me some timing but everything finally clicked into place and I got some shots in the field. That's what I'm sharing with you today. I faced my fears and came out on top! It's an awesome feeling!

You have already seen these photos if you're on my Facebook fan page, so feel free to skip this post.

Also I've started a gallery/shop to sell some of my photography. It's still a work in progress, I'm adding new photos each day, but it's a huge step I've been wanting to take.

Go check it out, maybe there will be something you want for your home or office. You can get art prints, framed prints, canvas prints, acrylic prints and cards!

Shop Catherine Murton Photography

Catherine Murton Photography Facebook Fan Page

Photography Fears

I have such magical ideas for photographs I want to take. 

I don't know what stops me. 

Maybe it's shyness. Maybe it's the lack of time. Maybe it's the fear of failure. That I won't pull off what I have in my mind and therefore rather than fail, I don't even try. Or, it could be lack of courage to go out and experiment in that yellow field of flowers down my road. What if someone yells at me? What will the people driving by think? How much time will it take to get my equipment together, props etc, and drive there, and find a good spot and set everything up and shoot it? What if it starts raining? What if I waste too much time setting up that I can't get my shot like I want it? These are the things that run through my head.

Sometimes, I see such work that is so overwhelmingly inspiring that I stand in awe and get stuck on the fact that my photography won't ever be that amazing. I find myself studying inspiring photographs and wondering how they pulled that off. How did they get  a model that is so perfect for the feel of the photo? How did they find such a perfect background? What settings did they use? What lens did they use? 

And then, sometimes, I think why not. Just go and try Catherine. Just go out there and do it. You might like it. Someone else might like it. If you don't capture those ideas now, they'll be forgotten forever.

I don't want to look back on this time and wish I had photographed more. 

I need to learn to let go of my fears and follow my heart. I can't be scared of the "what if's" all the time. It's time to go and find my photography style. 

To experiment with different looks, feels, places. 

To challenge myself. 

To be myself.

Re-adjusting to life after a deployment

It's hard to believe that Rich has already been home 1 month and 1 day. This past month has flown by. Nothing like how some weeks could drag on for what felt like a month when he was deployed. But we're here and we're adjusting to life with each other again. Life is good.

They (military booklets) warned about "romanticizing homecoming" and how and it's easy to build it up in your head how perfect it's going to be, but be prepared for things to be hard. I struggled with keeping the balance in my head. I wondered a lot how Ariana would react. Would she only want me since she's only had me for the past 6 months. Would she only want him, since she hadn't had him for 6 months? Plus, how would we reconnect as a couple? We were used to a lot of alone time. Six months is a long time.

I was worried with little things like how the towels needed to be fresh out of the dryer and what to make for dinner that first night. Just so you know, the towels had been used once and for dinner I made spaghetti with meatballs and salad. He didn't care that there were some dirty clothes in the hamper, or that I chose a simple meal that is one of our family favorites. Paired with a bottle of red wine and some much needed family talk and it was perfect in our own way. And that's how it's suppose to be. It may not be perfect like you imagine it, but it will be perfect for your family. Because life is imperfectly perfect.

For the most part our adjustment has gone smoothly. After the first few days of waking up to each other and Ariana realizing that Daddy is actually home for good and not a dream, things settled down. We took her to preschool, made meal plans together, he went to briefings, life got back to "normal".

Then we went on our vacation to Edelweiss. It was so nice. To have time together. To not worry about what to make for dinner (we could just go down to the buffet), to swim all afternoon if we wanted, and to go on adventures and walks and just focus on each other and having a good time. It was just what we needed to reconnect on a basic level without the distractions of normal life getting in the way.

And in regards to Ariana, she didn't want to let Daddy out of her sight those first few weeks. She was thrilled to have him back to play ponies and babies with her, sit by her at dinner, show off all the things she's learned while he was gone, and read stories with him at night. She's still worried that he's going to leave again, and she's not happy with it, but we're working on it. Such is the life of a military family. We can't promise her he's never going to leave again.

I think part of me romanticized his homecoming, I mean how could I not when that's all you've thought about for 180+ days. Another part of me feels like we were living in a honeymoon phase. It was easy not to get annoyed at each other because it all felt so new again. He didn't mind that I squeezed the toothpaste in the middle, because he missed sharing our bathroom with me. The fact that he leaves his clutter all over the kitchen table when he comes home is nice because part of me is happy to see his clutter again.Those little things that sometimes annoy each other, were now creating smiles. I can happily say it's been an easy adjustment, mostly.

But really, it's taken almost whole month to adjust completely. Our routine had changed a lot while he was gone and we had to figure out to adjust it to fit a family of 3 again. It's much nicer this way though. We usually read in bed before sleep and just looking over and seeing him there makes me smile. It's easy to take advantage of the little things and deployments remind us just how special those little moments are and to enjoy them. 

I hope I can hold onto the magic of these little moments.

And for those of you who are lucky enough to not having to adjust after deployments, I hope you can find the magic in those little moments too.

VLOG FRIDAY!!

I made my first ever video blog!!!!

Two words: Funny and AWKWARD!!!!

The subject: "What were you like when you were in 8th grade". 

I don't want to give to much away, but I hope you enjoy it.

(hahahaha don't you love the random screen shots Youtube picks!!)

If you made it through the video, thanks for putting up with my dorky self!

See, bloggers are real people too! :)

Hugs and happy Friday friends!

Cat