Reflections on this Pregnancy

I haven't shared a lot about this pregnancy on my blog. 

I haven't posted ultrasound pictures, dear baby letters, maternity wardrobe photos, or even shared bits and pieces of his nursery yet.

In a way, this surprises me. 

While we are beyond excited and giddy with his impeding arrival, there has been some worrying too. Some fears. Some concerns. I've kept it all close to my heart.

I find it curious that people have asked me if this baby was planned...like I'm over 40 or working on my 11th child. I answer a simple yes with a smile, but in my heart I want to say you will never know how long this baby has been planned for, waited on, and dreamed of. You will never truly know the struggle and heartache we have been through to get to this point. So yes, this baby was most definitely planned. 

2012 wasn't an easy year.

Autumn wasn't the best season.

2013 started out rocky.

June was a bit of a struggle.

July is teetering back and forth.

And with it all I guess I've taken a step back and needed time to process it all instead of immediately sharing it all here. Some of it I didn't (and still don't) know if I was ready to put into words. I'm not sure if I'm waiting until the delivery and then will breath a sigh of relief and share our story or if I'll just be glad to be through it and make it part of the past.

Sometimes people who you are close to shock you by their words and actions. And you think to yourself if that person, that I was so close to responded that way, how would people who don't really know me react? Would they be supportive? Or would they be negative? What comments would they have? Could I handle it?

So for now, I've decided to keep it private.

We are so blessed and can't wait to hold our little love. We love you baby boy!

*I am currently 32 weeks pregnant. This photograph was taken last week in Sardinia at sunset by my wonderful husband. I was 31 weeks pregnant.

Broken Macro Lens = Tears

This is the story of how my lens got broken.

A little while back this happened. It was a sad sad day in my house. This is my 105mm micro lens.

It was a chilly day at the end of January and I decided this was a good day to go outside in the backyard and try to get some macro photography of the little snowflakes falling on the grass. I got my camera ready, checked the battery, changed to my macro lens, and set it up on the tripod so that I could get low in the grass and keep it steady. I have to stop right here and say that usually I just hold it in my hand and try to keep it steady. But, for some reason I was shaky that morning, so I went with the tripod in hopes of getting clearer images. I set it all up by the back door and went around the corner to get my jacket and rain boots on. 

All of a sudden, I heard a huge crash from the kitchen. I freaked out and ran in there. My camera was on the floor. Since I wasn't actually present when it fell, this part of the story is just from my assessment of the situation. The macro lens is pretty heavy and had caused the camera to lean forward a little bit, just enough to cause the tripod to tip over from the adjustment. And my camera went down, lens first.

I was so upset. 

I ran in there mumbling "no, no, no" under my breath and hoping nothing was broken.

But it was broken. 

It had fallen onto our hard tile floor and now was sporting horrid cracks in the front glass.

The good news is that we have insurance on my lens. The problem was, I couldn't send it to a Nikon company in the USA, I had to get it done in Germany. There is no Nikon repair service near me so I had to mail my baby off. Let me say this whole process of fixing it has taken way too long. I'm still waiting on the repairs to be completed and I'm starting to get frustrated with the slow communication with the service center. I can't get the insurance to cover it without some paperwork from them and they haven't gotten it to me yet.

But, hopefully I'll have it back in my hands soon. Preferable before I fly over to the states for a few weeks. I leave in less than 2 weeks.

Photography Fears

I have such magical ideas for photographs I want to take. 

I don't know what stops me. 

Maybe it's shyness. Maybe it's the lack of time. Maybe it's the fear of failure. That I won't pull off what I have in my mind and therefore rather than fail, I don't even try. Or, it could be lack of courage to go out and experiment in that yellow field of flowers down my road. What if someone yells at me? What will the people driving by think? How much time will it take to get my equipment together, props etc, and drive there, and find a good spot and set everything up and shoot it? What if it starts raining? What if I waste too much time setting up that I can't get my shot like I want it? These are the things that run through my head.

Sometimes, I see such work that is so overwhelmingly inspiring that I stand in awe and get stuck on the fact that my photography won't ever be that amazing. I find myself studying inspiring photographs and wondering how they pulled that off. How did they get  a model that is so perfect for the feel of the photo? How did they find such a perfect background? What settings did they use? What lens did they use? 

And then, sometimes, I think why not. Just go and try Catherine. Just go out there and do it. You might like it. Someone else might like it. If you don't capture those ideas now, they'll be forgotten forever.

I don't want to look back on this time and wish I had photographed more. 

I need to learn to let go of my fears and follow my heart. I can't be scared of the "what if's" all the time. It's time to go and find my photography style. 

To experiment with different looks, feels, places. 

To challenge myself. 

To be myself.

Let's Be Honest

via

:: deep breath ::

You may have noticed I haven't really been around my blog much lately.

A lot of things play into this: I had my family here visiting so I was busy with them, Ariana has kept me busy with preschool and gymnastics, and I've started going to the gym with my friend.

And I had a panic attack.

:: deep breath ::

Yep, a panic attack. At least I think it was a panic attack, shaking, couldn't breathe, those kinds of things. I've never had one before so it totally freaked me out. Luckily, I had a dear friend who talked me through it and made sure I was okay. This happened on Black Friday and I don't think I've been the same since. I'm a little more timid in certain situations.

I debated whether or not to share this information, but after reading a friends post who had been going through some of the same things I was, I thought it was time to open up. I could use a little support right now and hopefully can offer support to some of you as well.

So here I go with my honesty.

With my husband deployed it's been hard on me. He's been gone over 4 months and still has 2 more to go. I've come a long way but still some days are harder than others. Having to be a "single mom", living in a foreign country with only a handful of friends, having to explain to my 3 year old why her Daddy is away for so long, tantrums, German preschool rules, landlord issues, language barrier, car issues, my best friend being hospitalized, the death of a pet, being away from family, the depressing German weather. It's all added up over time.

I've also had some personal issues I've been dealing with. It's been an especially rough time lately. But, I've tried to keep it together and trudge on. It's hard to learn to deal with issues you have no control over. But I'm learning to let them go and find my inner peace.

Today, I feel stronger. 

Today, I'm feeling less worn down and more empowered. 

Today, I'm feeling the love.

It may not last long, but I'm holding onto that feeling while I can. 

:: deep breath ::