Ready or Not

The past few weeks people have been eyeballing my big pregnant belly and announcing triumphantly that "it's a girl". Not one person, not two, but several. And some of them have even taken to rubbing my belly without asking. When I say people, I mean cashiers at checkout, teachers at summer camp. Complete strangers.

Little Mister is due to make is arrival in a little over 3 weeks. September 8th is creeping up on us. Are we ready?

His little clothes are washed and put away. We've got a bassinet set up in our room. The swing and bouncer from Ariana are cleaned and waiting. We've got diapers and wipes. If he came now, we'd be ready, but if he waited a little longer we'd be more organized and my house would be cleaner. But who needs organization right?

I've only got 1 thing in my hospital bag. It's crazy how quickly you forget what you need to take with you. And I still have to pack his items and Ariana's bag for her sleepover with her friend when the time comes.

I don't feel ready. I still want a few more weeks. But if he came now I know we could do it. 

My hips are starting to ache. I have no room to breathe. I feel like I can't stretch any further. Sleep has been difficult and painful. I move so slow.  And every now and then I'll get a really bad Braxton Hicks contraction that takes my breath away and I think "Let's do this, I'm over being pregnant, I'm ready"

I find myself staring at his ultrasound photo, trying to picture what he's really going to look like. And I can't wait to hold him on my chest and cuddle him close. Watch his little hands open and close and stare into his eyes and meet him for the first time. Nurse him, and wrap him up in those soft blankets and smell his little head and pat his little butt.

Then I get a little overwhelmed with how perfect I want things to be. How I'd love to vacuum out the car and how I'm struggling with enough energy to keep the house moderately clean when my brain is telling me I need to scrub the windows. And I feel his little kicks and hiccups and I want him to stay in there a little bit longer and I think "Nope, I'm not ready, I need a few more weeks, stay put little guy" I want a little bit more time to focus solely on Ariana. To be able to make it through open house and the first day of school and not be in the hospital or with a baby who is days old. Because I know those first few days/weeks are hard. Emotionally, physically, hormonally stressful and it takes some time to get into the swing of things and how our family dynamics are going to change.

But whether he comes tomorrow, on his due date (like his sister) or 3 days late (I really hope not) it will all work out.

However it happens, whenever it happens. It will be right. We are ready. 

Reflections on this Pregnancy

I haven't shared a lot about this pregnancy on my blog. 

I haven't posted ultrasound pictures, dear baby letters, maternity wardrobe photos, or even shared bits and pieces of his nursery yet.

In a way, this surprises me. 

While we are beyond excited and giddy with his impeding arrival, there has been some worrying too. Some fears. Some concerns. I've kept it all close to my heart.

I find it curious that people have asked me if this baby was planned...like I'm over 40 or working on my 11th child. I answer a simple yes with a smile, but in my heart I want to say you will never know how long this baby has been planned for, waited on, and dreamed of. You will never truly know the struggle and heartache we have been through to get to this point. So yes, this baby was most definitely planned. 

2012 wasn't an easy year.

Autumn wasn't the best season.

2013 started out rocky.

June was a bit of a struggle.

July is teetering back and forth.

And with it all I guess I've taken a step back and needed time to process it all instead of immediately sharing it all here. Some of it I didn't (and still don't) know if I was ready to put into words. I'm not sure if I'm waiting until the delivery and then will breath a sigh of relief and share our story or if I'll just be glad to be through it and make it part of the past.

Sometimes people who you are close to shock you by their words and actions. And you think to yourself if that person, that I was so close to responded that way, how would people who don't really know me react? Would they be supportive? Or would they be negative? What comments would they have? Could I handle it?

So for now, I've decided to keep it private.

We are so blessed and can't wait to hold our little love. We love you baby boy!

*I am currently 32 weeks pregnant. This photograph was taken last week in Sardinia at sunset by my wonderful husband. I was 31 weeks pregnant.

Home

Military life isn't always easy. There may be lots of travel and adventure and new friends along the way. But, there is also extreme bravery and sacrifices. There are lots of new bases, new people, new towns to learn your way around. New cultures, new challenges, and new houses to fit into.

While most of the time I really enjoy, in fact love (more than my husband) our life in the Air Force, there were times, like this summer, where I took a step back and realized I'm missing other things as well. Family.

Not the family you make in your home with your spouse and children, or the friends you make along the way that become like family, but the good old fashioned people who where there as you grew up. The ones who watched you blossom over the years. Who helped you up when you stumbled, and cheered you on when you were on top of the world. The family that's always waiting "back home". Wherever "back home" may be. The family that's always got a piece of your heart no matter where the military takes you.

We spent most of our time in Florida this summer, but that's not really home. Georgia is home. It's where we grew up. 

We only had a short visit to Georgia this time. My mom and sister in Florida, and my friend in South Carolina took precedent. But, we did get to stop for a day and a half in Georgia. We planned a dinner out and all those happy faces where there. All that family. All that love. 

As I looked around the table that night I felt overwhelming love and support. I needed that. I didn't even know I needed that until that night. I felt like I was soaking up the love from all around to carry me through this next year in Germany.

"My home is not a place, it is people."

Lois McMaster Bujold, "Barrayar", 1991

So, while I cherish our time in the military and all the places we go, sometimes, there's nothing like "home".

Photography Fears

I have such magical ideas for photographs I want to take. 

I don't know what stops me. 

Maybe it's shyness. Maybe it's the lack of time. Maybe it's the fear of failure. That I won't pull off what I have in my mind and therefore rather than fail, I don't even try. Or, it could be lack of courage to go out and experiment in that yellow field of flowers down my road. What if someone yells at me? What will the people driving by think? How much time will it take to get my equipment together, props etc, and drive there, and find a good spot and set everything up and shoot it? What if it starts raining? What if I waste too much time setting up that I can't get my shot like I want it? These are the things that run through my head.

Sometimes, I see such work that is so overwhelmingly inspiring that I stand in awe and get stuck on the fact that my photography won't ever be that amazing. I find myself studying inspiring photographs and wondering how they pulled that off. How did they get  a model that is so perfect for the feel of the photo? How did they find such a perfect background? What settings did they use? What lens did they use? 

And then, sometimes, I think why not. Just go and try Catherine. Just go out there and do it. You might like it. Someone else might like it. If you don't capture those ideas now, they'll be forgotten forever.

I don't want to look back on this time and wish I had photographed more. 

I need to learn to let go of my fears and follow my heart. I can't be scared of the "what if's" all the time. It's time to go and find my photography style. 

To experiment with different looks, feels, places. 

To challenge myself. 

To be myself.

Re-adjusting to life after a deployment

It's hard to believe that Rich has already been home 1 month and 1 day. This past month has flown by. Nothing like how some weeks could drag on for what felt like a month when he was deployed. But we're here and we're adjusting to life with each other again. Life is good.

They (military booklets) warned about "romanticizing homecoming" and how and it's easy to build it up in your head how perfect it's going to be, but be prepared for things to be hard. I struggled with keeping the balance in my head. I wondered a lot how Ariana would react. Would she only want me since she's only had me for the past 6 months. Would she only want him, since she hadn't had him for 6 months? Plus, how would we reconnect as a couple? We were used to a lot of alone time. Six months is a long time.

I was worried with little things like how the towels needed to be fresh out of the dryer and what to make for dinner that first night. Just so you know, the towels had been used once and for dinner I made spaghetti with meatballs and salad. He didn't care that there were some dirty clothes in the hamper, or that I chose a simple meal that is one of our family favorites. Paired with a bottle of red wine and some much needed family talk and it was perfect in our own way. And that's how it's suppose to be. It may not be perfect like you imagine it, but it will be perfect for your family. Because life is imperfectly perfect.

For the most part our adjustment has gone smoothly. After the first few days of waking up to each other and Ariana realizing that Daddy is actually home for good and not a dream, things settled down. We took her to preschool, made meal plans together, he went to briefings, life got back to "normal".

Then we went on our vacation to Edelweiss. It was so nice. To have time together. To not worry about what to make for dinner (we could just go down to the buffet), to swim all afternoon if we wanted, and to go on adventures and walks and just focus on each other and having a good time. It was just what we needed to reconnect on a basic level without the distractions of normal life getting in the way.

And in regards to Ariana, she didn't want to let Daddy out of her sight those first few weeks. She was thrilled to have him back to play ponies and babies with her, sit by her at dinner, show off all the things she's learned while he was gone, and read stories with him at night. She's still worried that he's going to leave again, and she's not happy with it, but we're working on it. Such is the life of a military family. We can't promise her he's never going to leave again.

I think part of me romanticized his homecoming, I mean how could I not when that's all you've thought about for 180+ days. Another part of me feels like we were living in a honeymoon phase. It was easy not to get annoyed at each other because it all felt so new again. He didn't mind that I squeezed the toothpaste in the middle, because he missed sharing our bathroom with me. The fact that he leaves his clutter all over the kitchen table when he comes home is nice because part of me is happy to see his clutter again.Those little things that sometimes annoy each other, were now creating smiles. I can happily say it's been an easy adjustment, mostly.

But really, it's taken almost whole month to adjust completely. Our routine had changed a lot while he was gone and we had to figure out to adjust it to fit a family of 3 again. It's much nicer this way though. We usually read in bed before sleep and just looking over and seeing him there makes me smile. It's easy to take advantage of the little things and deployments remind us just how special those little moments are and to enjoy them. 

I hope I can hold onto the magic of these little moments.

And for those of you who are lucky enough to not having to adjust after deployments, I hope you can find the magic in those little moments too.

Recounting

I've been seeing lots of "currently" posts, which I plan to do one later, but for now I'm looking back on the past 6 months and all that I've been and done. Making this list makes me feel accomplished.

While Rich was deployed I:

Shared 3 boxes of Girl Scout cookies with Ariana

Bought a Ukelele

Sought out news about military in Afghanistan

Avoided news about military in Afghanistan

Celebrated Ariana's 3rd Birthday

Celebrated Halloween

Cooked my own turkey for Thanksgiving

Played Santa

Rang in 2012, on my couch

Celebrated Valentine's with a burger and a shake

Read 9 books

Paid off 2 small credit cards

Went to Paris with my Aunt

Aged 186 days

Did 60+ loads of laundry

Had 5 different house guests

Created a new savings plan

Had trouble sleeping

Slept like a baby

Was thankful for 70 little things

Painted 4 paintings

Called 10 German preschools

Offered support to friends

Took myself on a date at the bookstore

Achieved personal goals

Made mistakes

Danced around my house

Cried over Germany

Laughed over Germany

Laughed so hard I cried

Cried so hard I hyperventilated

Played in the snow

Cried when I found this article

Broke my macro lens

Sat while my car was fixed for 5 hours

Handled a German satellite company, oil company, and repair man.

Discovered new yummy recipes

Rediscovered my love for certain foods

Made crafts with Ariana

Watered our baby snails everyday

Disposed of 2 dead mice

Worried at night

Daydreamed about future vacations during the day

Fell in love with bacon

Sent sympathy cards

Sent thinking of you cards

Sent birthday cards

Sent thank you cards

Woke up from nightmares I couldn't remember

Made new friends

Ran into old friends

Watched girly movies as much as I wanted

Drove to the Frankfurt airport 6 times.

Drove to Heidelberg at least 5 times

Had a love affair with Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 1, and the soundtrack

Bought new nail polish

Wrote love letters

Wrote music

Fell in love with Gluhwein and Christmas Markets

Had a mini breakdown

Ran late

Arrived early

Blogged a lot

Abandoned my blog

Ate lots of chocolate

Drank lots of wine

Cried to friends

Said I could handle it

Took thousands of photos

Enrolled Ariana in preschool

Lost 10 pounds

Took lots of videos of Ariana

Bought 3 new house plants

Spent hours talking to friends on the phone

Learned a lot about myself and others

While Rich was gone I grew as a person, parent, and military wife. I learned I'm stronger than some people give me credit for and weaker than I like to admit at times. I discovered that time moves slow and fast at the same time but it's always moving forward.

While Rich was deployed, I did a lot.

Let's Be Honest

via

:: deep breath ::

You may have noticed I haven't really been around my blog much lately.

A lot of things play into this: I had my family here visiting so I was busy with them, Ariana has kept me busy with preschool and gymnastics, and I've started going to the gym with my friend.

And I had a panic attack.

:: deep breath ::

Yep, a panic attack. At least I think it was a panic attack, shaking, couldn't breathe, those kinds of things. I've never had one before so it totally freaked me out. Luckily, I had a dear friend who talked me through it and made sure I was okay. This happened on Black Friday and I don't think I've been the same since. I'm a little more timid in certain situations.

I debated whether or not to share this information, but after reading a friends post who had been going through some of the same things I was, I thought it was time to open up. I could use a little support right now and hopefully can offer support to some of you as well.

So here I go with my honesty.

With my husband deployed it's been hard on me. He's been gone over 4 months and still has 2 more to go. I've come a long way but still some days are harder than others. Having to be a "single mom", living in a foreign country with only a handful of friends, having to explain to my 3 year old why her Daddy is away for so long, tantrums, German preschool rules, landlord issues, language barrier, car issues, my best friend being hospitalized, the death of a pet, being away from family, the depressing German weather. It's all added up over time.

I've also had some personal issues I've been dealing with. It's been an especially rough time lately. But, I've tried to keep it together and trudge on. It's hard to learn to deal with issues you have no control over. But I'm learning to let them go and find my inner peace.

Today, I feel stronger. 

Today, I'm feeling less worn down and more empowered. 

Today, I'm feeling the love.

It may not last long, but I'm holding onto that feeling while I can. 

:: deep breath ::